I want to apologize if this comes off a bit rantish but I'm really confused about a lot of things right now and hope that someone can make sense from what I'm trying to say and could possibly help me out (thats if anyone doens't mind taking the time to actually read this that is)

Okay to begin with I feel like my life is at a standstill at this point.I haven't seen my wife since July. I thought I would at least have all the paperwork filled out and sent to be dealt with but I havne't even gotten the bloody paperwork yet. I've kept faxing and faxing to get it. Hell, All Kayla had to do was call to get it sent to her, no effing problem at all. I'm told by people on my end that in order to get it I have to fax or send a letter. I'm sending a letter out and hope and pray I get it this time. I feel very desperate with that whole situation.

Anyway I feel like my life is on a standstill partly because I'm waiting to leave and be with my wife but mainl because I'm stuck here in this state, in this house. Don't get me wrong. I love my family but they don't understand me. They pity me (I know this for a fact) because I can't really see and don't think I can do anything. I have like only three friends, real friends now and thats cool but I never get to see them and I keep running into my so called old friends who back in the day used to be like family and now they don't want anything to do with me....I guess what bothers me is that, that whole issue doens't bother me. I don't want anything to do with them anymore. fuxk them, its their problem not mine. I've done all I could to help them with their problems and stand by their side in the worste of times...I guess I'm a better friend than they are, who knows? I'll admit I still love them but I don't want anything to do with them and cna't stand being near them anymore.

A large issue is I have nowhere to go. This town is small and you really can't walk from this town to anywhere else. you have to drive so I walk the town all the time. I mean I love being outside. I used to hate it but this past year I grown to love nature really love it and want to be in it. I want to be camping. I want to be canoeing. i want to be hiking up a trail thorugh the mountains.I want to hunt. I want to kill an animal (not with a gun mind you but with a bow or a spear or something primative) and I want to drag it so I can skin it gut it and fix it to eat. I want to do this so I can become more dependant on nature and because I want to know the thrill of the hunt. I want to fel the power as I honor the natual kill or be killed. Afterwards I want to make use of the skin of that animal and than bury what I can't use and honor nature for this wonderful bounty, this wonderful feeling I get for doing this. Its like nature called out to me and my blood, my bones and my very body itself want to answer. its like someone began to play wild tribal drums deep inside my blood and I just want to go wild.

As for my wife. Well I love my wife and I desire her very much. I mean we all have hormones and we all want sex, to make love. When I was younger I never had these urges much and it was more or less killed after I was forced by family to take mood altering drugs that supressed it more or less completely. but now, woah now its like my hormones are on overdrive. I mean my wife and I have yet to do anything intimate cause we're far away and when we got married the first time she wasn't yet married. Right now she's still trying to get used to the thought of physical intimacy since she grew up with everyone telling her (well except her parents) that sex is wrong and she kinda has a disgusting view point on it but I really hope that changes because she drives me insane. I mean I want things to be sweet and tender (I'm a gentleman by nature and love things really fluffy) Even now in this stragne new condition I do but more times than not I'm talking on the phone with her and she just barely makes a chuckle or a giggle or a silly word and I wish I could be there and be wild like an animal. She wants to wait and although I'd rather have it now, be that close to her now I love her and respect her enough to wait until she is ready. Like my wife says I'm a gentleman to a fault.

Speaking of this wild side that is really taking control I find that parts of me is changing dragmatcally. Like I'm still kind and compassionate, loyal and friendly and what not but there are times I just snap out, I get rough, I get angry and I get a little ruder. I take more charge, act a little more confident and its just strange there are times when I want to scream and growl just because I can, get into a fight just because I need to be violent but in a non harmful way..I know that sounds pretty pardoxual but hey I'm ranting here. to me. When I was younger I was a really girly guy but now it seems like a lot of it is fading away or starting to fade away. Like I was always clean shaven. Always picked out my clothes before hand. Well for the past almost a year I have a beard, my hair is really wild and kinky looking. I grab whatever is clean, not caring what it is. People say I now appear rugged and untame all the time. I used to dress up or wear the latest clothing. Even when I went through that goth phase I thought wasn't a phase for me. I used to own tons of rock and metal shirts (still love rock and metal though) but I want to wear tiedyes and animal shirts and pagan shirts. i want to have a kilt because I love my irish and Scottish ancesory and I'm proud to be Irish and Scottish decent and a Druid to boot. I want to be in shape and strong free.

As for my music well for the past five years I want ntohing more than to be a musician. I love music, the only thing i love more than music is my wife but I'm very lack of confidence in myself. I gone through my life going through stages of liking diffrent genres of music but the one type of music I've always loved since I was a babe is Irish folk music. I don't even know how to dance and I want to get up and dance like there is no tomorrow when I hear it. I feel alive and free with it and now I know what I want to do. i want to be in a band of music that has tons of celtic in it since I think I have a Celtic soul but also has rock in it since I love rock (I love bands like Tantric, Days of the New, Seether, Cold, stand) but I just feel like I can't do it. Everyone tells me my voice is great and that I can sing well but I hate it when I hear it, its like shat to me. I haven't been able to write any lyrics in a long time and I own a mandolin but I don't know how to play it. I feel inspiration all around me I feel it in my blood and in my soul. I desire all the time to write, to sing and pick up that mandolin to play it but I can't. Its like there is a block on me or something and it drives me craszy.

I don't know. I just feel caged right now. Like I'm a bear or a lion trapped behind zoo bars and I yearn to be free to roam and ravage and create. I can't create lyrics, I can't begin to learn this mandolin and I can't even learn and work on my spiriutal path cause I feel so trapped and uncomforble. I have no place to go and be free until I can leave and it hurts so much at times.

I really don't know what to say about all of this. Its strange to me. I've been strongly drawned to the symbol and image of the Green Man. I've been having dreams where I'm the Green Man and I'm in the woods free, happy, content....

Anyway sorry to bother you with my ranting. My wife knwos all about this but she doesn't really know what to say, all she can do (which I'm grateful for with all my heart and soul) is to be by my side through all of this. I need someone who understand to give me advice, to give some clearing to this insantiy. Anyway thanks and goodn ight.

you seriously need to get laid.

ditto

Do it, do it!

hey there - - took a lot to get all of that out, i hope you feel better!
not much advice on this end, seems very typical search of self goin on for you there.. one thing that did strike me tho was when you said something about not being able to write lyrics?
man, if you even skimmed through the vent session you just wrote you could find many words, lines phrases the works that could all form very beautiful inspiring lyrics.. maybe you are overthinking things.. ?
it's been said ova and ova again but you are your own worst enemy! don't be too hard on yourself for being yourself! embrace you and if u wants to share YOU with the world who cares what they say!
i'm a struggling musician myself and believe me i have my share of ****, single mother fighting to get by in this damn world, workin full time etc. finally got that together then there's no time for music but hey wheneva i get a few minutes i slap somethin down and throw it out there.. not everyone will dig it not everyone will hate it...
just be you, that's all you can do
and dammit dude
be proud of that!!!!

keep rockin
++phoenix

I know how it feels when stupid paperwork seems to rule your whole life. Didn't have it anywhere as bad or serious as you do, but in three months of bureaucratic craziness I was ready to walk the walls. It's a very bad place for your creativity to flourish, be it music or something else. I am not a musician, I draw, and during that time I couldn't even continued with pieces started before, much less take on a blank piece of paper. Hell, I couldn't even sketch, the uncertainty and sheer idiocy of the situation was getting to me that much. Don't beat yourself up about things you can't do creatively. Once you are out of the cage, you will do it all. Same with your wife and the draw to nature. From inside the cage, things always look worse and more puzzling because you can't do much to solve or better anything. Come and rant as you need if it helps and also look around for anything that can get you through while you are waiting for the papers - music, audio books, walking the streets, anything at all that would make the wait more bearable for you.

sex and porn can be fun

Thank you for all your help. I feel a lot better now I vented like that. Although I'm still caught in this cage things are getting a little bit better I guess. I just recieved my paperowork and although its going to be a rightious headache to get all the things done to leave I can take comfort in that things are starting to head in the right direction.